


Broken Bird

by I_am_a_Ruin



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: ASL, American Sign Language, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Cancer, Cancer treatment, Deaf Character, Depression, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mentions of Cancer, Post-Divorce, Scratching, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Tough Love, Triggers, do not read if these are triggers, kinda inappropriate reaction to serious matters, like really serious angst, no one is to blame, reactions to suicide attempt, selective mutism, sensitive topics, several suicide attempts, so much hurt comfort, take these tags as your warnings, there is so much to tag, this is some dark stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 10:56:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12057528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_a_Ruin/pseuds/I_am_a_Ruin
Summary: "Humans are fragile creatures made up of broken hearts and broken promises" -Unknown(read the tags. They will be your ONLY warnings. More will be added should chapters bring up more triggers for me to add to the tags)





	1. Shattering the Snowglobe

**Author's Note:**

> I want to say there is something known as 'selective mutism' in this story. I call it selective mutism because I have had a very hard time finding another term to describe what is going on with Amy. However, the term 'selective mutism' does not quite fit the behavior and situation, for which I profusely apologize. I do not wish to misinform anyone on this very real disorder so please feel free to take the time to research selective mutism yourself here: https://www.selectivemutismfoundation.org/info-on-selective-mutism/common-myths and here: https://selectivemutismcenter.org/whatisselectivemutism/ . If after reading this story, you know of a term that better fits what is going on, please let me know. Thank you so much, I hope you enjoy the story!

Her skin was so unbearably cold. She could not control how hard she trembled as she opened the cabinet. The pills clicked and clacked against their plastic confinements and a wry smile turned up her face as she thought about them clicking and clacking inside her as they dissolved, poisoning her blood. She grabbed three different bottles and one for painkillers, just in case. She filled up the largest water bottle in the house with water and retreated to her room, locking the door. She was still so cold. She pulled a jacket on, wondering at how numb she felt. 

Everything inside of her just felt… empty. As if someone had come along with a vacuum cleaner and sucked her dry of every ounce of emotions. It was peaceful, and she liked how easy it felt to not feel a thing. She had been worried about guilt making her back out of it. The thought of her mother and father finding her had kept her alive for a long time. 

But now… she was just too drained to care. Besides, she had a plan to keep anyone she loved from finding her afterwards. It would be some random person on the street or an officer. Not her family.

_ After this, there will be nothing standing in their way, Amy. Maddie can have a proper family again. _

The thought made her smile. 

She was so lost in her thoughts, focused on opening her window and removing the screen, she had not heard the front door open or close. She did not even hear her own door opening, but she definitely noticed when a confused voice addressed her.

“Amy? What’re you doing?”

Bolts of all sorts of different emotions struck her violently, shattering every peaceful remnant of emptiness she had. Horror and fury dominated. 

“GET OUT OF MY ROOM!”

She was too upset to even think about hiding the recently refilled bottle of anti-anxiety medication that she had been about to stash in her bag from her sister and Madeline noticed immediately. 

Her voice was ice cold, and Amy could hear the panic in the girl’s voice. “Amelia, what the  _ hell  _ are you doing?” 

Amy shoved the pill bottle into her bag and slung it over her shoulder. “Get out of my room, Maddie.” her voice was filled with anger she did not think she was capable of.

Madeline wasn’t listening, marching up to her and reaching for the strings of the drawstring bag. Amy pushed her harshly away. “Get the hell out of my room. I’m fine, I don’t need you here.”

“You’re  _ fine?”  _ Maddie scoffed, finally getting her fingers around the strings and tugging, unsuccessfully. “Dammit, Amy, give me the stupid fucking bag!”

“I  _ don’t  _ need you. Get  _ out!”  _ Amy was crying now, and still shoving her sister away.

“I am not going anywhere, now give me the fucking pills!” Maddie insisted, still trying to get the bag away from her.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about! Why won’t you leave me alone?” Amy begged, tears streaking down her face. “I hate you, I hate you get out of my room!” 

Maddie took a step back, eyes closing and inhaled deeply. “Okay, okay. Amy. I’m so sorry for yelling at you. I shouldn’t have done that. I love you, okay? So please, give me the bag?”

Amelia held tightly to the strings, her knuckles turning white and her nails digging crescent moons into her palms. However, Madeline kept that distance, giving her space, and kept that calm, determined look. 

“We can sit down right here and just talk. I won’t say anything, you can just talk to me, but I really need you to hand me that back, Amy.”

The thought of talking was both horrific and undeniably tempting at the same time. Maddie wouldn’t understand what she was trying to do. Maddie was soft, fragile from the divorce. How could Amelia put her guilts and stupid issues, weaknesses, on her too? Amy was supposed to be the strong one. The one that would do whatever it would take. However, Maddie was  _ also  _ her sister, the one she shared everything with. 

Her fingers loosened almost subconsciously, and gradually, petrified, the tears slowing for the moment, slid the bag off her shoulders _ (click-click-click)  _ and handed it to Madeline. The girl clutched to it, looking unsure for only a moment before she set it on the other side of the room. Maddie never let her out of her sight. 

“Okay. First thing. I need to know right now: did you take any of those pills?” It was not accusatory nor sickeningly gentle. She was not being treated like badly cracked glass or a naughty child. It held the same, strict, serious, but loving, tone her mother used when she asked Amy if she did her homework.

_ God, I wish I wish I wish _

“No.” Amy whispered, her voice considerably softer than she had thought it would be and that little word caused her voice to break.

Maddie stared at her for a moment longer before nodding. “Okay. Now, we are going to stay here until  _ Papa _ gets home, okay? We can talk if you want, or play cards or whatever you want, but you have to stay right here, okay?

Another bolt of fear spiked through Amelia’s skin. “No,  _ please.  _ Maddie…  _ please  _ don’t tell Pop!”

Amelia saw that flicker of indecisive guilt in Madeline’s violet eyes, but the brunette only shook her head. “I have to.”

The floodgates broke once more, and this time Maddie slowly moved closer, offering a loving embrace. She craved that touch, that affection desperately and hated herself for it.  She didn’t deserve it, not after what she did. And yet, she still did not refuse. She needed, wanted, to be held too badly. 

She cried into Madeline’s blouse for a long time, her sister saying nothing and just stroking her hair.

“You can’t fix anything.” Amy muttered, surprising herself when she spoke. 

“I’m not trying to. I’m only offering to listen if you want to talk to me. You can always talk to me, Amy.” 

The urge to release every pent up thought and pressure that had been breaking her for weeks, months, was strong, sickeningly so. She found herself once again unable to resist. She was so  _ weak _

“Mom and Pop, and it’s my fault, Maddie. I was just… I wanted to… to remove the problem. And you weren’t meant to see. Shit, I’m so sorry. I’m such a stupid fuck-up. I’m so tired, Maddie. And it’s my fault,  _ mine,  _ that they split so… I just wanted you to have the parents you deserve. And there’s so much, it’s so much. I’m so fat and stupid and tired, Maddie.” 

The crying was reaching hysterics, and Madeline only held her tighter. “This is about the divorce?”

“Not  _ just  _ the divorce… God, Maddie I can’t do  _ anything.”  _ Amelia bawled, gripping Maddie’s soaking shirt. 

“Girls! What’s going on?  _ Amélie  _ are you alright?”

Fear choked her at the sound of her Pop’s voice, but her sister took her hand gently, firmly, and spoke up. “ _ Nous devons vous dire quelque chose, Papa.” _

Their father sat down and Madeline explained what she had walked in on to him. The Frenchman was ashen by the time she was done, and staring at Amy with the worst sort of concern. The blonde, for her part, was gazing intensely at her hands and murmuring almost inaudible apologies, tears dripping steadily down her face. 

The man, looking so broken and frightened, knelt down beside his daughters and drew them into his arms.  _ “Amelie,  _ I have to take you to the hospital. You understand,  _ oui?” _

Amelia did not respond, the numb feeling returning as her body shut down from the emotional overload. She used to have a flight or fight reaction. She used to be a fighter. But now? She froze up.

Francis sighed and called 9-1-1. Amelia only heard the ugly words, things like ‘suicide,’ overdosing,’ and ‘danger.’ It was enough to process what was happening, but she still did not react. Her papa hung up the phone and Madeline spoke up again.

“I think Mom should be here too,  _ Papa.”  _

The man nodded with defeated eyes. “I’m going to stay here with  _ Amélie _ , can you pick your mother up? I don’t want her to have to hear this over the phone.”

Madeline left and the ambulance came. The EMTs asked her how many pills she had taken. Even after she told them none, they insisted she would have to have blood tests once she got to the hospital. 

Nurses (or doctors, she couldn’t tell which) stabbed needles into the skin of her arm. A few asked her all kinds of questions. She answered for a while in a drained monotone before her brain decided that it couldn’t handle another second and just shut down. She couldn’t process their questions, didn’t bother to try, just stared at them blankly. Her family was nowhere to be found and whenever she gathered up the energy to ask about them, she couldn’t understand the doctors’ answer. 

The only thing she could really focus on was how tired she was and how heavy she felt. Her mom and sister were in the room at some point, her mother looking more shell-shocked and frightened than either Madeline or Francis had, but Amy was too out of it at that point to notice. 

The next morning, though, she was a little more responsive. A good night’s rest had done her some good, even though some kind of medical person was in her room the entire time, rotating shifts. She was supposed to be kept under constant surveillance until she had a psychoanalysis. 

Her whole family came that morning. Neither of her parents looked like they had slept a second and Maddie’s eyes were puffy. Guilt flared up heavily in her stomach, weighing her down.

They told her she would have to start seeing someone on a regular basis. It went without saying that Amelia would be in the hospital for longer than anyone would have liked. Amelia could deal with that. She had to deal with that. Her sister had taken any chance Amelia had at control away from her. She wasn’t that angry about it. There was no point. She just felt… empty.

At least, until lunch time. Her sister had gone to check out the cafeteria and her mother and father left, claiming to search for someone to bring Amelia food. But she heard them fighting outside her room. She heard every last word.

“This is all  _ your  _ fault, Francis! I knew I should have taken those girls into my custody.”

“How is this  _ my  _ fault?” her father demanded, and it felt like a stab to the heart to hear how hurt he was at Alice’s accusation.

“It happened under  _ your  _ roof! If you were home more often, this never would have happened. If she were with  _ me  _ more often, it wouldn’t have happened! First Maddie’s anxiety and now  _ this? _ ” Alice snapped, lashing out viciously. Her words reminded Amelia of a bird she had learned about at school. A tiny little thing, that brutally murdered its prey by skewering it on thorns or barbed wire for later consumption. And with as furious as Alice sounded, the barbs were only going to get more cruel.

“You think it isn’t already haunting me that this has been going on, Alice? You think I am not already thinking that? But it isn’t true and you kn-”

“You aren’t even her real father! She should’ve been with  _ me,  _ her  _ mother _ . They both should have.”

The silence that followed made Amelia sick to her stomach. That was going too far and she was pretty damn sure anyone that had just heard that exchange knew that as well. And all this fighting was  _ her fault.  _ She had just made it worse by being such a failure. If she had succeeded everything would be better, but no. They were fighting over her and her failure. 

“How  _ dare  _ you? Just because I couldn’t participate in their conception does not make me any less their father!  _ Je l’aime plus que tout. Elle est ma fille et c’est aussi Madeline. Ne jamais dire autrement!” _

“Francis… Shit, I know. I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m so scared. That’s our little girl in there. She wants to  _ kill  _ herself and we don’t even know why because she won’t say a damn thing. What  _ happened?  _ She’s supposed to be our over talkative Amy. I don’t even recognize the girl in that room.” Alice sighed, her voice quieter, making it a little more difficult for Amelia to hear. But she still heard. She heard all of it.

And she smile when she did. It amused her, the thought that her mother could see how very little she was like before. Whoever she used to be… she had thought for a long time that was long gone, and now others could see it too.

“I know. She told me… at least a little before  _ Papa _ came home… You won’t like it though.” That was Madeline’s voice, Amy was certain.

“I don’t like any of this, petal.” Alice’s voice was gentle, her tone the polar opposite of their conversation. 

“She said it was the divorce. And some other things. She was really hysterical. But… the divorce… I think it really broke her. She’s convinced it’s her fault.” 


	2. Snapped Wings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm doing my best with keeping this as realistic as possible, but I have had a little trouble finding what the procedure is for an at-risk patient actively trying to kill themself so bare with me and if you have any advice, I'd really appreciate it.

A slightly older Asian boy entered her room one afternoon when her family wasn’t there. His head was bald and he had dark brown eyes that stared at her intensely. Weirdly, he didn’t make her nervous, even though he was moving his hands around in a strange way.

It wasn’t until she focused on his hands that she realized he was signing. She watched his hands and he started over.

_ “I heard you don’t talk. It’s okay. Neither do I.”  _

A woman came behind him, looking frazzled. She tapped his shoulder and he turned around, watching her hands as she signed at him frantically. “ _ Kiku, why are you in here? You can’t just go into other people’s rooms. You know better than this.” _

_ “I’m just here to say hello.” _

_ “Do you need me to translate for you?” _

_ “No, I think she understands,”  _ the boy turned back to Amy, directing the conversation at her. _ “You understand, don’t you?” _

Amy hesitated, and then nodded. The boy wore a small smile at her nod. 

_ “Are you a hearing person?”  _

Amy nodded again. Nodding was just about the only thing she did anymore. Her tongue seemed to be taken captive and she didn’t know how to regain control. 

_ “Do you want something to read?”  _

When Amy again only nodded, the woman behind Kiku furrowed her eyebrows and grabbed the boy’s wrist to get his attention again. “ _ Kiku, I don’t think she does. Wouldn’t she say something if she understood?” _

_ “She can’t. She doesn’t speak, like me. But she understands, look at her eyes. She’s following what we’re signing. She just needs a friend, Mom.” _

“Chun Yan? Did you find him?” A third woman was in the hallway and Amy could barely see her. The most she could make out from her was her long, white-blonde hair. 

“Yes, he’s talking to some girl.”

“ _ Her name is Amy, isn’t it?”  _ Kiku asked, half addressing his mother and half Amy.

Amy nodded and Chun Yan corrected herself. 

“ _ We need to go, Kiku. Your treatment starts in a few minutes.”  _ Chun Yan insisted. 

Kiku turned to Amelia one last time, “ _ I’ll bring you some manga next time. We can read it together if you want.” _

The trio left after that, but Kiku kept his word. He returned the next day later with the manga, only to drop it on her dinner tray when he saw she was crying rather hard. She tried to dry her eyes and give him a smile, but it didn’t work. 

_ “What happened?” _

The nurse in the room frowned at the boy as she checked the window in Amy’s room. “You should go back to your room, kid. She’s under watch, you can’t be in here.”

“ _ What did she say, I can’t read lips if she isn’t looking at me.” _

Amy wanted to help him, but something inside her was keeping her still, silent. She could only cry harder and stare at him helplessly.

The nurse looked at him, and narrowed at him. “Seriously, you have to leave. You aren’t allowed in here. Don’t you know what a watch is?”

Kiku stared at the nurse blankly, visibly confused. He signed at her again, trying to communicate that he didn’t understand her. Unfortunately, she was believed he was apart of the mental ward, so instead of seeing signing, she only seemed to think he was just waving his hands in a crazed fashion. 

“For crying out loud, I can’t deal with two of you right now.” The bewildered woman pressed a button on the side of Amy’s bed and two nurses came running into the room. “Can you get this kid out of here? He’s refusing to leave.”

The nurses watched Kiku signing at them that he was Deaf, and one of them finally understood.

“Linda, the kid is Deaf. He doesn’t know what the heck you’re saying to him. You have to look at him so he can read your lips. I’ll call his mom, I know what ward he belongs to. 

Chun Yan arrived finally, and the nurse that was taking care of Amelia looked like she was going to go crazier than the kids under her care. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know she was under watch. They told us she was allowed visitors and Kiku wanted to bring her something to read.”

“She can’t have them, you’ll have to take them and leave.”

_ “Why can’t she have the manga? What does ‘watch’ mean?” _

_ “She’s either a danger to herself or others, Kiku. They’ll probably be taking her to a private facility soon.” _

_ “But why can’t she have the manga? They’re just books.” _

“Why can’t she have them?” Chun Yan voiced with a sigh.

“Look, if you want to know more, you’ll have to talk to her parents. I can’t disclose patient information with you.

“Well, where are her parents?” Chun Yan insisted, seeing that her son wasn’t letting this go.

“They’re on their way here. If you just  _ wait  _ outside, you can talk to them then, but I have to insist you leave now.”

The two finally left, but Amy continued crying. The nurse sighed, looking at her worriedly. 

“Sorry for that, kiddo. You’re parents will be here soon, don’t worry.”

Amy ignored her, still reliving what had happened and punishing herself for failing again.

She had gotten her psychoanalysis back and her parents were planning to institutionalize her. That sort of treatment would be taking away her opportunity to attempt suicide again. Panicking, she fled her room in the fifteen minute gap between the nurses. When she couldn’t bust into the medicine, she tried to throw herself from the window, but she couldn’t get it open enough to get out it all the way. Nurses and doctors had pulled her out of the window and restrained her. Her family was called. 

The nurse noticed the way she was gripping her arms, clutching white-knuckled, trying to draw blood and calm herself down. She pried the girl’s hands off her skin and again called for help. Furious and desperate, Amy launched herself out of the bed and tried to fight her way out of the room. 

Everything she tried failed so she just laid limply in her bed and ignored everyone again. Her sister was there at some point but she paid her no mind, even when her sister tried to hold her hand and talk to her.

She just didn’t care anymore. She only wanted to die and she wasn’t even allowed that one freedom. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because no one is reading this and my friends never will because they don't like angst, I don't mind sharing a little why I am writing this:  
> It keeps me occupied from doing things I shouldn't. I've been struggling with depression for almost four years now and writing helps me channel my feelings. So I don't actually care if this sucks because it's doing me good.

**Author's Note:**

> I told myself I had to confine this to one chapter no matter how long, but there is too much story line going on in my head that requires time gaps for that to happen so anyone that reads this gets blessed (or cursed depending on how you look at it)
> 
> Translations  
> Papa- Dad  
> Amelie- Amelia  
> Nous devons vous dire quelque chose, Papa- We have something to tell you, Dad  
> Je l’aime plus que tout. Elle est ma fille et c’est aussi Madeline. Ne jamais dire autrement!- I love her more than anything. She is my daughter and so is Madeline. Never say that again!


End file.
